Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
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Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!