The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
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My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog