Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
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Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them