Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
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My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”