“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
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*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Guantanamo Bae
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister