Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
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“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen