pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
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Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
This is not me but this is me
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.