Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
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Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
Me, reading some of your tweets
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
congratulations to them
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”