A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
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wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.