Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
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Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!