If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
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Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.