Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
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me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
I’m not stressed
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Nice try Hitler
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day