My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
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All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Solving a traffic jam
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
an airline just for babies.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Not today, today.
Not today.