Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
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When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
You’ll be OK
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list