5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
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Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Aight bet
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
They got Raph!
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now