Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
You Might Also Like
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Breaking news:
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.