I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
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Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.