[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
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Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
(yawn)
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie