It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
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Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.