ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
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got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
These work great until they don’t.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.