As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
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Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
[Infomercial]
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AUDIENCE: Yes!
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When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen