“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
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therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test