There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
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Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Wait a minute…
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Called it
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.