[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
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Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.