You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
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Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.