#DesignFail
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[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy