4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
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So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?