“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
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Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Let鈥檚 make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I鈥檓 progressing in my fitness goals
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
Please don鈥檛 ride with me if you鈥檙e gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You鈥檒l make me nervous.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Norwegian chickens be like Bg氓rk
I鈥檓 a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Are kids ever okay at all?馃槀
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Pickled cat.
Me: Man, I鈥檓 tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here鈥檚 nothing but Taylor Swift.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
if you鈥檙e on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that鈥檚 why I need my feelings journal today
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor鈥檚 packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
fair
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*