A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
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the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.