Just how popey was the pope today?
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Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?