Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
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For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender