I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
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The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
X-tra spooky blend
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
My real name is maybe one of the top 5 whitest names ever invented and I just picked up my online order at a KFC that is deep in the hood where I’m maybe the only white guy within a mile and as soon as I went in they said “Here he is. Thats (my name)” and I lol’d.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.