“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
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The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
good morning
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.