You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
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I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Holy crap this is wonderful
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆