Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
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Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Haha good job!!
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.