Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
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When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
A leaf blower, but for people.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler