Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
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This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Favourite diary entry ever
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?