Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
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Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.