Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
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My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.