If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
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If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.