[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
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Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile