My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
You Might Also Like
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
A fake ID that makes you younger
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.