people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
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What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise