if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
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Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
all bases covered
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.