Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
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My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”