I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
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Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job