Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
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COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.