WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
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My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.