Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
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I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’