The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
You Might Also Like
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
we’re gonna need another temp
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.